Verbal Discharge

#62: The 29-Inch Sausage Next Door

Oh come on, did you think a major politician could say he has a 29-inch penis and we wouldn't focus on it?

A very Verbal Discharge Friday to you all! The whole team's back together for the first time in almost three months, for your listening pleasure. This week, James attempts to rewrite some classic movies, Robbie gets bored of being a topic podcast, Jordan says poo and Ben showcases once more his remarkable knowledge of early-noughties children's TV. What a wonderful hour you have in store.

#61: No Mime's Sky

Forewarning: There is no comedy in this week's episode of our comedy podcast, but please don't let that put you off.

It's a looser show this week, as Verbal Discharge grapples with the big questions. What is comedy? Can you tire of the widest universe? How big a hack is Ricky Gervais? This week, Ben fails to fix a car, Robbie feels proud of a joke he didn't make, and James should feel ashamed of a joke he did make. Some fun, some food, it's all in this week's Verbal Discharge...

#60: Koala Foreskin Party

It comes bursting through the door. Discharge. It screams at you. You scream back, but it does no good. The Discharge has no ears. Only a mouth, a screaming comedy mouth. You take a deep breath and settle down. There's only one thing for it: You need to listen...

So what's going on this week? We'll tell you what's going on this week. Robbie writes to his one true love, James gets attacked by a kid with a piece of paper, and Ben begins a new career managing a comedy shop. All this and probably more. If you want to find out for certain, you'll just have to listen, won't you?

AUDIOBOOK: Life's a Dog by Jorben Bowen (Read by the cast of Verbal Discharge)

The greatest novelist residing in the living world, Scandinavian genius Jorben Bowen, has written a brand new novella. It's a mind-bending thriller about a podcasting dog, with a thickening plot and twists aplenty. And the only place you can access it is here, in audiobook form, on the Verbal Discharge podcast.

Yes, that's right! After generously writing a pilot script for Ducky McDuck, the man who makes people think "This guy is really good at writing" himself, Jorben Bowen, has kindly donated his latest masterwork, Life's a Dog, to the Discharge cause. In the place of a podcast this week, we instead present the Verbal Discharge cast reading the new novella from the acclaimed author of Concord Swordfirewolf and the Monster That. Listen as James, Robbie, Ben and Jordan read the gripping story of Gnarls Shingler, a dog hell-bent on keeping his gaming podcast going after the death of his partner. It's a story full of twists, turns and totally coherent storytelling that was definitely really honestly written by one really talented author with a grand plan for where it was going.

#58: The Suicide Olympics

It's the greatest show on Earth, as the world's top specimens gather for a global event that thrills and excites people in every country the world over. That's right, it's another Verbal Discharge podcast!

Welcome to the latest Verbal Discharge podcast, definitely live from the 2016 Olympic opening ceremony in Rio, and not a small room in Derby! This week, Jordan presents the coverage of the Olympics, Robbie suggests some new events for 2020, and James is dubious about Suicide Squad. All this and more on Verbal Discharge, the Official Olympic Podcast.

#57: How to Appoint a New Dischargee

Every week, the Verbal Discharge team produces some comedy and some other stuff. Every week, the Verbal Discharge team slaves tirelessly over a new podcast, like a tireless slave. Most weeks, Verbal Discharge has a team of four, working on new content. This is not one of those weeks. This week, we are looking for fresh blood. Do you think you have what it takes to join the Verbal Discharge team?

Well if you do, you're too late, because we've already narrowed the field down to five. On this week's show, James and Robbie go on the hunt for two new team members, as they conduct five jobs interviews with five potential new Discharge cast members to see if they have what it takes to star on an award-winning comedy show...

#56: A Brexit in the Park

Discharge returns from hiatus, without actually returning to a studio to record in. We spin back into the podcasting circle live from Markeaton Park, Derby, as we try to catch up on a whirlwind few weeks...

We're back, and recording an episode outside! This week, James has something to say about Brexit, Ben almost gets himself arrested by a sunless underling and Robbie joins a hopeless political party. All of this and more from the only British satirical podcast that is only just getting round making 52% jokes...

*Also: Whenever he speaks, Robbie is really quiet this week. If you're wondering why, it isn't anything to do with recording outside, or a post-Brexit vocal depression, he just forgot to turn his microphone on. Idiot.

#55: Verbal Discharge in the Morning!

Welcome to another installment Verbal Discharge In The Morning, Britain's premiere light entertainment show broadcast before 12PM!

This week, The Jam frontman Paul Weller stops by to tell us about his new album My Name is Paul Weller, Gerbal Steinfeld has all the latest from what pundits are calling 'The Football', celebrity chef Liam Gallagher teaches us another delicious recipe you could cook in prison, we read out your tweets on the big Europe issue, our resident amateur film man Robbie Owen ruins the ending of Miracles From Heaven starring Jennifer Garner and glamorous weatherman Ben Knight gives a glamorous weather report about the glamorous weather. All this and more on the greatest breakfast show to ever definitely be broadcast every morning on a major TV station all the time and not be one bloke doing silly voices for 40 minutes because we couldn't record a proper podcast this week.

EPISODE #54: Euro & Juliet

Hey, nothing went wrong with the recording this week! It's a minor miracle! And just in time for the Euros, the close of voting registration and the 6th anniversary of an average romcom!

We're back with relatively little thirst vengeance, as we celebrate the most important week of the year, depending on your priorities. This week, Jordan frets over his porn habits, James debates the EU referendum, Ben shouts over the top of everyone as normal and Robbie recounts Letters to Juliet starring Amanda Seyfried. We do also talk about the Euros, so if you like football then you should totally listen to us. We're really funny and handsome and charming. Not particularly modest, but nobody's perfect.

EPISODE #53: Milking Dust from a Fox's Penis

Hello to anyone listening on iTunes! The show is actually called "Milking Dust from a Fox's P****. Fox's P**** is rapper. A very successful rapper, I can't believe you haven't heard of the ol' StarFox before.

So, another week, another studio mishap, but another Discharge. We're all crammed around one mic this week, which is why James sounds really far away, but also still the loudest of any of us, because he's James bloody Bosson. This week, Robbie exhibits his Leicester City fandom, James speculates on penis dust and Jordan avoids talking about his brand new employer. Some fun, some food. It's all inside this week's podcast.

EPISODE #52: From The Cutting Room Floor

It's podcast time again, gang! Only yesterday we found ourselves unable to record this week due to the old technical difficulties, so instead we present half an hour of NEVER BEFORE HEARD bits and pieces from the Verbal Discharge archive!

This week, only Robbie is really present, but you can also hear Jordan wait for Natalie Bennett, Ben forget how to use a microphone, James speculate on what Mel Gibson's up to. All this and a few more bits and bobs, carefully curated from everything we've ever recorded without putting on the podcast.

EPISODE #51: Interviewing an Austerity Sandwich

Live show over and done with, it's back to business as usual with Team Discharge. By which we mean, Ben isn't here and we talk about George Osborne again.

It's another podcast for your best friends in the whole world. This week, James has a hellish job interview, Jordan eats an old woman and rides a horse, and Robbie questions Nicholas Cage's sandwich choices. All this and some other nonsense, in a podcast that felt like a bit of a comedown from last week. By which we mean it's really good and you should listen to it right away, obviously.

EPISODE #50: Ducky McGhost Dick LIVE

Verbal Discharge is 50! Not only have people let us do 50 of these, people actually paid to come and see us do the 50th show! But, for those of you who couldn't be at The Maypole Cafe-Bar & Theatre last night, walked out part-way through and feel guilty or simply want to relive the whole thing all over again, the show is now available in podcast form!

So what did we get up to this week? We had a special intro from Derek Acorah! We had a whole audience! On this week's show, Robbie speculates over how Derek Acorah might spend his money, James eats an olive live on air, Jordan narrates the pilot episode of Ducky McDuck, Ben resurrects a pig and Robbie's brother outshines all of us. All this and so much more on our longest-ever episode. Sorry and you're welcome in equal measure.

EPISODE #49: Punk.

Cheap holiday in other people's misery, I don't wanna holiday in the sun, at not without a really good podcast. Like Verbal Discharge. Maybe not this episode, but certainly an episode. OK. This episode it is.

It's our final live show on Phantom Radio, and as such we set out to celebrate our time as we burn any and all bridges in sight. We also, on the live broadcast, played All Star by Smash Mouth eight times, which might explain one of the links. This week, James gets angry about the Karate Kid, Robbie has an erotic encounter with a Frenchman, Ben starts a punk radio station and Jordan drinks. But! This isn't our last ever episode! Oh no! Because next week, we're going to be live at the Maypole Cafe-Bar & Theatre! For episode 50! Tickets are on sale now from Derby Live, or available on the night.

EPISODE #48: Pop-Up Pirate, MD's Sexy Scam

AHAAHHA! Here's a podcast to treasure, me buckos! Verbal Discharge! Whichever lilly-livered podcast-host makes you crack up first, wins the game! But no one knows where the laughs are going to pop out next! Shiver me timbers, Verbal Discharge is a barrel of fun! From Tomy!

And we'd just like to take this chance to congratulate the small number of listeners familiar with noughties UK toy adverts who appreciated that. For the rest of you? This week, Robbie falls for an email scam, James invents a kinky game of Pop-Up Pirate!, Jordan compares the big issues and Ben finds the villain that shall bring down Spider-Man once and for all. It's a good one this week, honest. Trust Discharge!

EPISODE #47: The Mystery of the Overheating Goblin

Mysterious. Adjective. From French mystérieux. (1). difficult or impossible to understand, explain, or identify. (2). (of a person) deliberately enigmatic. (3). this episode of Verbal Discharge.

This week, Verbal Discharge launches head-first into the world of mystery. All four members tell the tale of the most (Or not, in Ben's case) mysterious, spooky thing that ever happened to them. We solve the cases of Flight MH370 and Madeline McCann. We troll the World of Warcraft subreddit. All in a day's work. This week, James is visited by a ghost, Ben is on his usual nostalgia bender, Jordan investigates a spooky toilet and Robbie gets called the wrong name by a cleaner. Or, and the studio is really bloody hot. We're talking fourty degrees plus. With no air conditioning. So forgive us for incoherence. We were really bloody hot.

EPISODE #46: Custom Bionicle Erotica: Dawn of Justice

Bionicle! Erotica! Batman Vs Superman! It's like our Christmas list when we were 12! This week, Ben brings up Bionicle, James is a hot-stuff Hollywood actress, Robbie watches Batman use Google, and Jordan has graphic sex with James, despite not even being here. Oh me oh my, it's Verbal Discharge, ladies and gents.

EPISODE #45: Battenbergman or: The Unexpected Virtue of Being an Autistic Goat

"I say boy, what day is this?" You shout from your ivory podcast app at a poor pauper. "Corr, guvnor, it's Friday" he replies, his throat breaking up as you watch, the black lung consuming him completely until there is no more. But you don't care. "I haven't missed it!" you exclaim, and head hurriedly to your iPod. There's a new episode of Verbal Discharge to download...

And what do we have to take your mind off the dead kid on your driveway? Well well well. This week, James solves world inequality with an autistic goat, Jordan recounts his footballing past, and Robbie eats an entire battenberg in less than 10 minutes. An entire battenberg. A real, full-sized battenberg. He still hasn't quite recovered, even if you're listening in 2019.

EPISODE #44: Osborne's Uber Fat Mum

You splutter into the light. The divine presence gazes upon you, ready for judgment.Your eternity is to be decided in these few, blistering seconds. You have lived a good life, a full life, a sin-free life. You state your case to the creator, and he looks back upon you. And he speaks, in the most broad and wonderful voice, he speaks. "You have lead a model life," he says. You clench a fist in semi-celebration. "But you did not listen to Episode #44 of Verbal Discharge." And without so much as another word, you are cast into the pit, where Satan lies waiting, your eternity spent in regret of the one play button you never pressed.

We're not saying listening to this podcast will guarantee you entry into heaven, but it certainly won't hurt. This week, James asks about your mum, Robbie delivers the annual budget, and Jordan blames his woes on Uber. All this and the usual nonsense! It's a pretty good one this week. You'll enjoy it, whilst letting it wash away your sins.

EPISODE #43: Forest of Fashionable Hedgehog Pubes

"Darling!" your mother shouts "Your friends are here!". You rush to the door. It's those Discharge boys again. "Hey man," says the eldest one, with no respect for the grammatical laws of speech "You wanna come out for another podcast?". Your mother turns and looks at you disapprovingly. She doesn't want you to go, but she knows you're a big boy now. She wants to let you make your own decision. You take one look at your mother and, as the guilt trickles into your mind, you bound out the door, and towards the podcast...

Those Discharge boys have delivered another podcast for you, and this week it's another BLINDER. James is feeling particuarly fashion-savy, Robbie gets us in touch with our true hedgehog selves, and Jordan must act opposite Dark Jordan in an amazing school face-off. All this and some more nonsense and additional plugging of our live show, which you can buy tickets for right now! But, in the meantime, there's a show for you to be listening to...